[ZARA'S POV]

"Zara, I'm really an idiot. I don't know if I end up crossing my limits, or say something wrong... but please don't go like this, please tell me what's wrong... I'll make it up and apologise... but please don't be this quiet" he said, when my eyes immediately softened for him. A smile came on my face, which I didn't even know how to hide.

Cold water feels warm, when your hands are freezing... that's what I felt right now. I'm so used to be treated in a way where I'm not loved that even a bare minimum looked so huge. 

I stared at him, as I nodded. "Hmm" I nodded at him.

"Zara yaar, why so dry response?" He asked me when I just took a deep breath.

"You'd find a beneficial person; you can't pursue me so easily" I told him.

"Yeah, but now come with me, we've decided to have an unofficial party— seniors bought alcohol, it'd be fun"

"What's fun? What if teachers get to know?" I asked him, his smile didn't even faltered.

"There's a reason why the teachers who came—" he said, a smirk came on his face.

"Huh? Excuse me?" I asked him.

"Just imagine if we die tomorrow in the morning, then what will be the possible good thing we did? Sleep in the trip? Ewww... come Zara even your twin is coming"

"Huh, Sid?"

"Yeahhh, come no? It'll be fun" he told, when I just shrugged my shoulders, and started walking in his direction.

A grin came on his face, when he jumped in happiness— thinking I didn't noticed.

"What?" I asked, as he jumped.

"I was just trying to touch the branches of trees" he said, when I thought to tease him.

"Hawwww" I said, as I widened my expression— over exaggerating it, as I decided to play innocent.

"W-what?" He asked, in a slow voice.

"You don't know?" I asked, when he shook his head.

"Whenever you touch a tree in night, you're disturbing some witches sleep, and then they'll haunt you" I said, when I could see his face turning pale. To a level I loved watching.

He didn't say a word, but I know him enough to tell that he...

Wait what? Why do I know him? How can I tell? No no... I don't know him.

"What are you overthinking now?" He asked, when I shook my head.

"Who said I was overthinking?" I said shrugging my shoulders.

"Biting lips, slower steps, didn't noticed and got frustrated that I was looking at you, staring straight, and still saying that you weren't overthinking?" he listed every detail so casually, like he'd been observing me the entire time without even trying.

I didn't reply. What could I even say? My brain had already stopped functioning the moment he said biting lips.

He let out the softest laugh — the kind that wasn't mocking, but the kind that said I know you better than you think.

"Zara," he said, lowering his head slightly so he could look into my eyes, "you think I don't notice you? I'm not that blind."

My heartbeat stuttered.

"How many girls have you noticed like this?" I asked, as I gritted my teeth.

"Jealous? Let me tell you that..." he said, as he started counting on his fingers... "Umm... 2...3... yeah, 1 girl who's standing in front of me, jealous"

He said, crisscrossing his hands to his chest. I parted my lips, but no word came out. Instead, it was just a long silence.

"Why're you even doing this Agastya?" I asked him.

"Because this has become my second favorite thing" he said, as he came near me. "I never thought I'll be ever able to fall in love after falling in love once"

He said... when my furrows raised. Is he trying to- trauma bond?

I thought, as I looked at him.

"Once? Who was she?" I asked, my voice slow and sympathetic.

"She... she is... my everything" he said, as a smile came on his face.

"W... who?" I asked.

"NCERT..." he said slowly, when I blinked at him.

"I fell in love with my books... and now with you" he said.

I blankly stared him for 5 seconds, thinking he's cracking a joke but no it wasn't.

"It wasn't a joke? Are you done speaking?" I asked.

"Yeah"

"Agastya... are you fucking crazy? I thought you'll have some real troubled love life, the— that fucking idiot NCERT is love of your life?"

"Language, woman language. You're talking about my first love... and we, guys, are really possessive when it comes to our first love" he said.

"Love should be a human at least"

"You love your fictional characters right?"

"But there is something in them to love... NCERT? Who the hell loves NCERT"

"Have you seen such a gentleman like me?" He asked.

"The word in itself is so wrong— a man can never be gentle" I told him.

He gasped dramatically, placing his hand on his chest, "misandrist ... and I'm a pure feminist. 5'10"

He said, when I raised my furrows.

"You're a feminist but what's the need to tell the height?"

We both shared an awkward silence, when I started walking and him behind me.

"What's it?" I asked.

"We're going to party, right?" He asked when I nodded at him.

"Hmmm, we're!" I said when he stood beside me.

"Let's go"

The party was near the pool area, where I saw Aaradhya and Shreya were also sitting. It was all chaotic, as the party began with the game of truth and dare. Classic.

"Guys! This isn't a classic game, this is the spicy version of truth and dare"

I was already weird and now this. Truth and dare, that too when my twin brother is also sitting.

Doomed was a small word for what I was feeling right now.

"It's better to play uno, bhaiya" Agastya said, as everyone nodded.

I blinked.

Wait— that worked?

"Uno is boring," someone protested.

"No, it's not," Agastya replied instantly.

"I'm not playing guys" I said, when he looked at me.

"Not everyone can play in a single round— 7 people max in a round" the senior didi said.

Sid sat beside me, so I decided to use my phone. I was anyways not interested in all this... I just came.

Opening my Instagram, a bundle of notifications rang. I've a lot of patience, but it somehow thinned when it's about him. Tanav.

This motherfucker. I muttered.

I stood up and went to a corner. My heartbeat dropped, as I saw his messages.

Tanav: What did you think, you bitch? If you won't see my texts or calls so I can't come back to your life?

My hands trembled in fear, as I scrolled through those messages— my throat tightened, tears betrayed my eyes, and breath? I could barely breathe. It was a year now.... I was begging my mind to be calm, but every time I thought I was getting better, something made me more sick.

Tanav: reply. I know you must've found someone else. You hoe.

I just closed those texts, as I straight ran to the bathroom. I can't handle this anymore. I simply sat on the cold floor, the noises in my head didn't stopped... it never did. The more I tried to act normal, my mind blurred with the questions.

Questions that make me exist everything I'm.

Is this worth it? I questioned myself, my body getting sweaty— I leaned my back to the wall, trying to breathe.

(TW: Self harm)

Fuck.

My nails drew to my bare skin. I'm so sick of my instincts which made me reach to my arm really soon. I dig my nails to my arm, but I didn't felt anything except for numbness.

Numb.

It was the worst part. I'd barely feel anything— I couldn't feel the hurt I was doing to my own skin.

I'm too young to feel all this. I don't deserve this. I deserve a normal life, like everyone else.

And yet the voices didn't stopped. "You deserve it" another voice said, as I stared at the ceiling.

Maybe I was weak enough to not able to protect myself against all the problems. Maybe I was just being overdramatic?

I shook my thoughts; as I stood up. I can't look depressed.

I straightened up my posture, my gaze never meeting the mirror. Being so ashamed of your face that you can't face the mirror, not have your pictures,  being so embarrassed of your own body.

Well that's me.

****

Washing my face I went outside when he was standing there: Agastya. His hands crisscrossed, he was biting his lips.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing, I just wanted some space" I told him, when he looked in the another direction and then tried looking at my wrist.

My throat tightened as I pulled the sleeves of my sweater down.

His eyes lowered as he turned, as if he just didn't want to interfere...

For the first time, I felt like not to suppress my emotions and burst them out.

"...."

I tried speaking but no words came out. How'd they?

Unfortunately, I'll be considered dramatic for reaching out. I bit my lips, not even saying another word. Maybe he'd suggest me some helpline's number, or suggest me some professional help.

It isn't that I don't want someone, it's just that I don't want to be looked with the eyes of pity... I don't want to be looked as someone differently.

"You want to come?" He asked, when I nodded. I didn't wanted to be alone, or else I don't know what'll I end up doing.

——

Small chapter, maybe too heavy to continue </3 her past triggers mine too maybe that's why.

Hope so it wasn't boring.

TBC <3